Like a bride,
She dressed up every night.
It was not by choice or profession;
She was in it by force.
Would deck up with silver and gold
Not out of fascination or that she owned.
It was the demand of the time,
Which hardly could ignore.
She had no tears; only smiles she wore.
She gave her body but soul had thirst
To love and be loved.
To be a bride was all she wanted.
Though now just a dream!
She was silent.
She was calm.
The purple bruises on her body
Revealed her life sstory
Getting up in the morning,
Though late for work
Struggling with utensils
To make the first meal of the day,
Brings you satisfaction.
While walking down the street
Towards your office in sizzling heat,
You stop by a little orphan
To treat him ice cream,
Brings you contentment.
In the chilling winter mornings
Jogging in the park
Along the perimeter on footpath
You see a human, bare lying curdled
You give your cover,
Brings you a pleasure.
On the road, in your chilling car,
Hear a tap on the window
Peeping out see a beggar stand
No money you pull to lend
Offer him work to start a living,
Brings you happiness.
In the crowd, stands a old lean man
You penetrate and offer him your hand.
Crossing the road, see a blind man follow
You cease the traffic, see him cross,
Brings a triumph.
Losses in profession or business,
Doesn’t stop you from charity
To see each child has food
To see each youth be educated,
Brings you a pride.
Not to worry, they are a good signs.
They are the symptoms
Of humanity being alive.
I wandered like a nomad
Not for food, not for shelter.
I had enough.
My stomach was full,
no more hunger to drive me to a joint.
Enough rooms to rest I had,
No more can evoke to a mansion.
My desire to fly, touch the sky
Gave me wings to teach my destination,
No more aspirations can thrive for a name.
Bank balance had kept my accountants on toe,
No more greed can now push me to earn more.
I saw happiness and sorrows.
I saw highs and lows.
I saw lives and deaths.
I had enough, still something in was missing.
Money to my name
Credit to my fame.
But emptiness in me prevailed.
What I wanted, I was unaware,
Disturbed certainly I was.
I left and wandered in the jungle.
In search of true wisdom.
Search of mine was over.
The ultimate peace I achieved,
That I found within, so minimal it was:
The joy of giving,
The joy of sharing ,
from what you hardly have,
The smile it gives to the faces,
Not a part of your belonging.
This eternal peace I searched, searched and finally I reached.
Gold medal was the thing that I always cherished. Arrogant! You may feel, certainly it was the kind of me. I had a few friends, mostly those who wanted my notes or study material. Otherwise I was always a material for envy. My classmates thought me to be too snobbish to talk to. I was fine with those behavior, as for me my achievement, my patent’s smiles, praises from teachers was all that accounted.
10th std got a gold medal for me, for my best performance in school. I opted for science as I thought of pursuing my career as a Dr. Now in 11th I made few friends, good ones as our class was a mixture of students from varied schools, a few intelligent like me. I was happy and excited to perform and add another feather to my cap. Past didn’t follow me here, no bulling, no envious people around. I grew happier. Students from all schools who scored best now under one roof. For me challenge to prove myself now at each step. Challenges I like them!
Struggling for grades and position made me more alone and irritating. History repeated itself, no friends once again. But my position I maintained.
One day, alone as usual sitting in the library, occupied in books, I heard a very unusual voice. The voice said, ” can I ?” Pulling the chair next to me he sat. The voice was hoarse & heavy which reminded me of senior Bacchan. And so unusual!
In the entire crowd now that was the hand whom I could bank on. We started spending time together. Reading books, completing projects, preparing for test, now I did everything only with him. Now I was more subtle and happy than before. I had a friend who was mine, who brought a smile on my face.
I hit the nail again, scored well and won my position, the top one again. He influenced me but not so much as he could take away my desires.
New year started, but he was not seen for a few days. I found myself restless. Waiting for him was a routine, he was now a part of me I realized. He was now my habit but his traces were lost. I was now losing self control. Each day I would reach school with a hope to see him, but all what I could see were tear drops on my cheeks. I now knew he was more than a friend to me, but where was he! No wear a bout! I lost him and my confidence was shattered.
A month passed, routine was on waiting for and hiding my tears. I left hope and was changing again more irresistible than before. To my surprise, after our summer vacations were over and we resumed school and there he was on the first bench, he waved his hand and my happiness had no bound, without understanding the situation, I clinched him and bursted into tears.
He understood me and apologized for not being with me. He was missing me and he just said it, “I love you.” “Me too.” I said. My new journey began, my confidence I regained. Days flew with love and happiness. I started spending more time with him now. Leaving books behind I was in him. He was everywhere, where ever I was, he was.
Boards appeared. I was close to it, just a few steps. I was well prepared. Exams appeared and results declared. I couldn’t believe myself I failed! The devastating event of my life. I picked up the phone to call, it went unanswered. I wanted him, his warmth, I ran towards his house. What I saw my eyes couldn’t believe. He was partying with my opponent, who had now gained my position in the result list as well as his life. I went inside to speak to him. His words baffled me. He said, “meet my girlfriend.”
“You switched so fast.” I said.
“No. You were never my choice. You were a time pass. No, actually my project.” Said he.
“What! “I exclaimed. “Didn’t get you?”
“You always stood 1st and my girlfriend would always be 2nd. She wanted your position and for that you had to slip down which I knew was impossible and so here it is. She is 1st now.” He explained his part of story with no regret.
“Cheat!” I exclaimed.
“I don’t mind. Everything is fair in love and war darling. Bye now!”
“What a fool I have been!” I said to myself.
I came home. Standing in my rooms balcony on the 1st floor, I jumped down.
My parents thought I did it because I was ashamed of myself. Now people labelled me with different names, few called me a coward while some called me a failure and I called myself a fool. I passed a month in the hospital to heal up my wounds and join my broken bones. Apart from this I even rebuilt my self esteem. I conquered my innate self, the real me.
I forgot what happened to me but didn’t forget to follow my instinct. I worked had and got my position back. My ex boyfriend’s girlfriend came first but the gold medal had my name. The next try, got a jackpot. Thank god he cheated on me so that I could discover a new me.
From a seedling, I grew up to a tall plant.
I was nurtured with the flow of love and a hand of care. My mother always welcomed me even if I had any flaw and there were very few waves of despair. My father always was there like a shield to take away any blow away from me.
Life was a smooth sail for me and my siblings. I tied a knot with a man who understood what I said and even what I could not express. Fantasy it may be for a few but that how life came to me. God, may had been in good mood to had bestowed all his virtues on me.
My day would start as a normal house wife. Cleaning, cooking all I did. I was a banker and happy with my job, though tedious it was, long hours of work when you get in and no fixed out time. I loved my work though at times it was monotonous. Few friends I had. I was not too party type. My husband’s hug was that I always cared.
As a daily routine I dressed myself. In hurry I banged myself on the bookshelf and with a scar on my forehead I drove my car. I am a good and responsible citizen, I like to follow traffic rules even if I am alone.
I rode my car from home to my office as a part of my routine. On the way cars just screeched seeing the red signal. I too stopped. Getting bit late I monitored my watch. I wanted to break the law. My ego
Stopped me and my superego warned me. I thought to wait for the signal to turn green. It was 10 seconds on the board.
I ignited my car and accelerated to start. As I started, moved a few steps a big road roller just dashed in me. One, two or probably three were the turns my car took. I hardly can recall till I became unconscious.
I regained my sense only after a day. In the most depressing place and in a melancholy state. My family was around me, few looked depressed while few confused. All wanted to know how I ended up like this. Actually I too was in frame to answer their queries. A constable informed the inspector that I regained my consciousness and can be interrogated. I heard it but the inspector just wasted his time as my pain didn’t allow me to answer.
I wanted to move my legs. They seem to be in captivity. Below my torso I could feel on pain. All activities my legs were in vain.
Eyes full of tears, everyone looked stressed, “what is wrong with my legs? I asked.
No reply came.
My husband regained his strength and said, “Don’t worry sweet heart, I will be your legs.”
Now I knew things were bad. Life is not always smooth. It can take you for a Rollo coaster ride.
After a few weeks, I was discharged. The vehicle had changed. Instead of my car, now it was a wheel chair.
Everyone reached me, showed me sympathy. I was sulking. I wanted to fly but my wings were cut. Days passed, no movement my legs showed. I was getting more and more depressed. Time was playing games. I didn’t understand where it wants to go. Directions unknown, path unaware.
For days I thought. Where do l go! Aimless I lay on my bed, distressed, wondering I asked myself, ” Should I always stay helpless! “
I picked up a tissue paper lying near my bed, held a pen in my right hand and thoughts took a form. Words on paper now had meaning. My instinct gave an answer. A massive decision of my life just happened to me. Probably my luck was on my side. We take years and pain to decide a career and for me, my helplessness made it for me.
It made me a writer which was not there in my wildest thought. Just a few words to sentences and abstractness to concreteness and my imagination came alive.